humble pie is bittersweet

So before I became a Mom, I honestly expected that my baby wouldn’t be a great sleeper and that would be ok with me. I also naively thought that I would just wait it out, that self-soothing/regulating was a skill that not even many adults can master so how can I expect my my newborn baby to do it. I also thought that I would be ok to rock, nurse and comfort my child all the time without any detrimental effects on my mental, emotional and physical well-being. I was adamant that I was not going to let my child cry it out.. Soooo Lo and behold 5 months down the track and  I have decided that we are going to sign up for sleep school today- as soon as the hospital admission opens up at 9am. 

Since deciding on this (and let me tell you, I have decided and undecided a million times already even as I type this post), I’ve become keenly aware of my own mixed emotions regarding this decision- here are some emojis that capture so called emotions ( πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚πŸ˜“πŸ˜’πŸ˜πŸ˜€πŸ˜­ πŸ’©). 

Yes I feel like a pooh, not in the going sense but in the ‘I feel a little shitty about this decision’ sense but I also feel apprehensive, guilty, relieved, determined, worried and unsure.

Why do you ask? Good question! I think it’s because I feel maybe on some level I’ve failed- why shouldn’t i just be able to rock, nurse and comfort my child day and night? Why don’t I have the stamina to be able to do this every hour or two from midnight to 6am? 

I feel guilty because I’m sure my baby will be subjected to a form of crying out method and I’m unsure of the long term effects this might have on him. 

I’m worried that this decision is more for my benefit than his and what does this say about me to me as a parent? And is this the type of parent I want to be? 

I feel relieved and determined though because I feel mostly that it’s ok for me to seek help around this.. That a sleep school wouldn’t have been built if other mothers and parents didn’t face the same challenges. 

Baby is 5 months now and most of the research I’ve read so far seems to suggest that behavioural interventions are best implemented once baby is 6 months and over and I feel a bit of a douche beaming with pride that I waited this long.. Coz somehow this makes me feel better about myself and no that doesn’t mean I’m judging all those other mothers who went earlier than me with their babies.. But yes i will say to myself ‘well I waited until he was 6 months’ but that’s my reality and its not for everyone and if it helps me sleep at night.. Then just let me lie here. 

The last 5 months have really shown me that even though I felt mostly at ease in my new role as mother, caregiver, pooh cleaner, booger collector, master of web md, nursery rhyme extraordinaire- there are moments everyday where I am humbled by the experience of motherhood and this humble pie is mostly bittersweet. 

I’ll try and keep you guys updated on our sleep school journey if we are admitted! 

Sleepily yours 

Gabrielle 

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