humble pie is bittersweet

So before I became a Mom, I honestly expected that my baby wouldn’t be a great sleeper and that would be ok with me. I also naively thought that I would just wait it out, that self-soothing/regulating was a skill that not even many adults can master so how can I expect my my newborn baby to do it. I also thought that I would be ok to rock, nurse and comfort my child all the time without any detrimental effects on my mental, emotional and physical well-being. I was adamant that I was not going to let my child cry it out.. Soooo Lo and behold 5 months down the track and  I have decided that we are going to sign up for sleep school today- as soon as the hospital admission opens up at 9am. 

Since deciding on this (and let me tell you, I have decided and undecided a million times already even as I type this post), I’ve become keenly aware of my own mixed emotions regarding this decision- here are some emojis that capture so called emotions ( πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚πŸ˜“πŸ˜’πŸ˜πŸ˜€πŸ˜­ πŸ’©). 

Yes I feel like a pooh, not in the going sense but in the ‘I feel a little shitty about this decision’ sense but I also feel apprehensive, guilty, relieved, determined, worried and unsure.

Why do you ask? Good question! I think it’s because I feel maybe on some level I’ve failed- why shouldn’t i just be able to rock, nurse and comfort my child day and night? Why don’t I have the stamina to be able to do this every hour or two from midnight to 6am? 

I feel guilty because I’m sure my baby will be subjected to a form of crying out method and I’m unsure of the long term effects this might have on him. 

I’m worried that this decision is more for my benefit than his and what does this say about me to me as a parent? And is this the type of parent I want to be? 

I feel relieved and determined though because I feel mostly that it’s ok for me to seek help around this.. That a sleep school wouldn’t have been built if other mothers and parents didn’t face the same challenges. 

Baby is 5 months now and most of the research I’ve read so far seems to suggest that behavioural interventions are best implemented once baby is 6 months and over and I feel a bit of a douche beaming with pride that I waited this long.. Coz somehow this makes me feel better about myself and no that doesn’t mean I’m judging all those other mothers who went earlier than me with their babies.. But yes i will say to myself ‘well I waited until he was 6 months’ but that’s my reality and its not for everyone and if it helps me sleep at night.. Then just let me lie here. 

The last 5 months have really shown me that even though I felt mostly at ease in my new role as mother, caregiver, pooh cleaner, booger collector, master of web md, nursery rhyme extraordinaire- there are moments everyday where I am humbled by the experience of motherhood and this humble pie is mostly bittersweet. 

I’ll try and keep you guys updated on our sleep school journey if we are admitted! 

Sleepily yours 

Gabrielle 

Pleased to meet your acquaintance

I never thought I would find myself writing a blog yet here I am at 230 in the morning penning my first ever post. 

I’m not sure what I’m going to write about- I imagine whatever comes to my baby adled brain. In my mind I wanted to write about my own experiences of being a new mum in Melbourne and also about other mums who I meet in Melbourne but I just can’t guarantee that won’t change over time- I’m hoping this will just be an organic blog about things that are relevant to me and that is somehow relatable to other people. If I could somehow make 1 person go ‘oh good I’m not the only one going through that’ I would be pretty happy. 

Right now baby abs ( who is nearly 5 months) and I are battling through sleep. It’s every new parents obsession don’t you think? I lose sleep thinking about how to get him to sleep better which is ironic because I need sleep to help him sleep. I go back and forth in questioning my approach to attachment parenting and have told myself that our current co-sleeping arrangement is temporary (ha!). In desperate times I curse my lack of will power to do controlled crying but when he goes down without fuss- I am glowing with pride that I have not let him cry. The struggle is real with sleep.. Gone are the days where i laughed at the thought of going to bed early and would waste precious hours not sleeping. My best accessory is my sunglasses to hide the telltale signs of sleep deprivation and when I can a concealer .. If i manage and even remember to put it on! 

And then there’s the lucky ones.. Those mums who swear their kids sleep through the night. I would be lying if I said I didn’t curse them occasionally or look at their kid to spy if any voodoo magic had been placed ( I have also resorted to rubbing the arms of these babies or their mothers in the hope that some of sleep luck would befall me- I’m still waiting). Mostly i just tell myself that they are the exception and I am the rule and that sooner or later baby abs will sleep on his own and once that happens I will find something else to worry and lose sleep about. 

Sleepily yours 

Gabrielle 

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